A few months ago, I visited my grandparents in Florida with my entire family. All three families and 12 grandkids were in attendance. It was the typical family vacation. All 20 of us jam packed into two houses fit for 5 a piece. On the third day, my grandparents invited us to their golf club to play a brand new, Florida based game, Soccer Golf (also known as Foot Golf). To say the least, I was very skeptical.
When we arrived, we were given typical soccer balls. At this point I still had no idea what was going on. It was around 3:00 and the entire course had been off limits to golfers, and turned over to “soccer golfers” or “socolfers” or “golfcers”, whatever you would like to call us.
The point of soccer golf is very quite simple. It’s like golf, you try and get the ball into the cup in the least strokes as possible. It’s like soccer, you kick the ball. It’s pretty damn easy. Combine the two, and BAM, Soccer Golf. However, the sport itself is quite boring and lackluster. It takes too much time, and is not fun at all. After about three holes I was ready to give up. It is simply not very exciting. It’s like playing shuffleboard, maybe it’s kind of fun for old people. It was very repetitive, not very strategic, and just not excited. However, that does not mean soccer golf does not have promise. Below, I outline three ways to turn Soccer Golf from a boring Florida sport, to a multinational sport.
1) Free for All, No Holds Barred Soccer Golf
A free for all, no holds barred soccer golf game would be must watch. Seeing fit, in shape men battle it out in order to kick a soccer ball into an oversized cup would be thrilling. RKO’s, Chokeslams, Tackling, it couldn’t get much better. Kicking one another’s balls into oblivion, it just sounds enthralling. All for the simple task of kicking a ball into a big old cup. Try and tell me you wouldn’t watch. Just try.
2) Mini-Golf SoccerGolf
Mini-golf is one of the best activities in the world. It involves skill and precision and just a little bit of luck that the clown won’t spit that ball back out like it does so often in Happy Gilmore. The obstacles and trickery instantly turn the most boring part of golf into a strategic game. This would do the same for soccer golf. Having to kick a soccer ball through pain in the ass obstacles would make it such a more exciting and worthwhile sport.
3) Drunk SoccerGolf
How there isn’t a sport on ESPN3 already revolving around drunk people kicking around a ball is beyond me. Drunk Soccer Golf (or Foot Golf or whatever you want to call it) would be the perfect sport to fill that looming void. I would actually watch ESPN3 for the first time ever if this was a thing. The highlight, well blooper reel, would be the greatest thing eyes have ever glanced upon. It would be an action packed, thrilling event. I beg someone to make this a thing.
However, there is one thing I would like to keep about soccer golf, the standard dress code. The dress code is phenomenal, it keeps you looking sharp all day long. You will look classy, and the chicks dig it.
P.S. Soccer Golf is also known as Foot golf, although I believe soccer golf is a much more fitting name.