There are many sports that would claim to be the greatest this planet has to offer. Horse racing is known as “the sport of kings”. Baseball has a rich and glorious history so vivid that it is known as “America’s Pastime”. Soccer is played the world over and countries HAVE LITERALLY GONE TO WAR over the sport. The NFL is an all encompassing behemoth that seems to grow and grow its market share. Truthfully though there is only one sport that is head and shoulders above the rest. That my friends is dodgeball. And dodgeball is the greatest sport on earth.
IT IS BEST WHEN PLAYED ON TRAMPOLINES
Playing dodgeball in a gym or on a court is fine, but there are some downsides. The most obvious of these is that every time you dive to get out of the path of an incoming rocket you are likely to roadrash your skin. This is not pleasant and should generally be avoided during sporting activities. Also sometimes you have to run and get the ball. This is also lame. This all changed when some MENSA level genius invented Ultimate Dodgeball. With trampoline parks and gyms popping up all over the country you can not play dodgeball while front flipping, back flipping or awkwardly stumbling on the bouncy surface and falling over.
IT INSPIRED THE GREATEST SPORTS MOVIE OF ALL TIME
“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” – Patches O’Houlihan
While watching Dodgeball may not make you a better player, it will certainly give you a new appreciation for the work of Ben Stiller et al. This movie contains so many cameos, and so many funny moments, that repeat viewing never gets old. I would not suggest practicing your dodgeball skills by either dodging wrenches or dodging traffic, but there is one part of the movie that will take your dodgeball level to epic. You must remember the Five D’s of dodgeball – Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
IT IS BANNED IN MOST SCHOOLS
You know a game is a winner when it is banned in the public education system. Many an unathletic youngster was ridiculed and derided in the 80’s and 90’s due to their lack of dodgeball skills. These kids were basically a (barely) moving target for the jocks to get in their target practice and work on their arm strength. If there was ever an example that we live in a Nanny State it is that dodgeball is out and the nerds are safe. That means that adults have to carry on the dodgeball legacy and prove it is the greatest sport on earth.
EVEN WHEN YOU ARE OUT YOU CAN COME BACK IN
Lets face it. Player elimination games suck. They are pointless and degrading and if you lose early then you just have to sit around and watch everyone else have fun. In dodgeball however there is always the chance you can get back in the game. The legendary “catch the ball to eliminate one and get a guy back™” move has swung the outcome of (hyperbole alert) billions of dodgeball games over the course of recorded history. I guess the only caveat here is that if you do truly suck, everyone one else will be back on the court before you. Hey. At least there is some hope!
IT IS THE ULTIMATE TEAM SPORT
In dodgeball any working class man can become a hero. You don’t need to be born with a silver spoon to reach legendary status. All it takes is hard work, dedication and four friends who you will lay it all on the line for. Maybe your team has a guy with a Peyton Manning arm (we are talking mid-Colts Peyton, not awful Broncos Peyton). If so it would be smart to protect that man, lay down your dodgeball life to allow him to dominate the game. Really dodgeball is basically war. War with strange rubber balls, bizarre team names and gym shorts.
So there you go. When put in perspective it is pretty obvious that dodgeball is the greatest sport on earth. The facts are there for all to see. Really it isn’t even that much of a contest or competition. So go find a team or start a league and live out your athletic dreams!